Bv:
Definisie van guts: Man wat laatnag dronk deur sy vrou met die besem ingewag word en haar vra: “Maak jy nog huis skoon of vlieg jy iewers heen?”
Herriemerrie
Ietsie van alles
Wie runnik saam?
 | Sonia oor Bo Redelike Twyfel |
 | Boeta B oor Bo Redelike Twyfel |
 | Anonimicus oor O wat is geld . . . |
 | Ek het nie geweet da… oor Vrugte Verlies |
 | mnrnel oor Huiswerkers en Covid-19 |
 | Olga oor Huiswerkers en Covid-19 |
 | Kuifie oor Huiswerkers en Covid-19 |
 | rondomtaliedraai oor Prostitusie |
 | Xena Phoenix oor Prostitusie |
| Xena Phoenix oor Prostitusie |
Herriemerrie 
Man – “Het ek jou nie al iewers gesien nie?”
Vrou – “Ja, dis hoekom ek nie meer soontoe gaan nie.”
Man – “Regtig? Ek het gehoor dis omdat almal jou ‘n dik slet noem.”
Man – “Jou plek of myne?”
Vrou – “Altwee. Jy gaan na joune toe en ek na myne toe.”
Man – “Cool, want as ek jou klaar op my kar se agterseat gepomp het, gee ek nie ‘n fok om waarnatoe jy gaan nie.”
Der’s a meeting in da jungle attended by all da animals. Evry1 is de, but da meeting hasnt started yet coz baboon is reading dis sms.
Man – “So, wat doen jy vir ‘n lewe?”
Vrou – “Ek is ‘n female impersonator.”
Man – “O, dit verduidelik daai vieslike snor wat jy beisg is om te kweek.”
Man – “Ek sal tot op einde van die aardbol vir jou gaan.”
Vrou – “Dis cool, maar sal jy assebleif daar bly.”
Man – “Heel moonltik. Jy lyk na die tipe girl wat moeilik is om af te skud as jy eers gespyker is.”
Wat staan op die posters van die bloedbank?
Dankie dat U bloed skenk.
Wat staan op die posters van die spermbank?
Dankie dat U gekom het, kom weer.
Hoekom fluit n blond terwyl sy piepie?
Dan weet sy watter stel lippe om af te vee.
´n Blondine kom by die dokter en sê vir hom haar borste is vol water. “Hoekom sal jy nou so iets dink?” vra die dokter.
Blondine “Elke keer as ´n man daarmee speel dan word ek nat tussen die bene!”
Vraag: Wat maak ‘n blond met ‘n pap wiel?
Antwoord: Sy speel met hom tot hy styf is.
Boer: “Vrou, as jy so buk is jy so breed soos ‘n stroper” Die aand soek hy ‘n knippie. Sy vrou: “Moet ek nou regtig die groot stroper start vir so ‘n klein mielietjie?”
Koos: Ek het Kikuyu lawn, dit groei vinnig.
Piet: Ek het English Royal Lawn, dit is mooi fyn.
Mike: Ek het Nylon, al die honde in die buurt naai op my lawn!
Die nuwe naam vir ´n bordeel?
Timbercity – Jy kan saag, spyker, kap, pomp en draadtrek – alles onder een dak!!!
Juffrou in seksvoorligting klas: “Almal wat met die linkerhand draadtrek sit aan die linkerkant van die klas en almal wat met die regterhand draadtrek aan die regter kant. Al die seuns beweeg links en regs, Jannie bly sit in die middel. “En nou Jannie?” vra die juffrou. “Nee juffrou, dit lyk my dis net ek en jy wat spyker.”
Juffrou in die biologieklas: “Wie kan vir my sê wat is ‘n parasiet?”
Jannie antwoord: “Juffrou dit is ‘n meisiesfiets se saal..”
Ma en Pa sê vir Jannie: ” As jy nog een keer so gaan vloek, kap ons jou totie af!”
Jannie: “Dis okay. Ek gee nie om nie. Sannie s’n is afgekap en omgesoom en dit lyk fokken stunning.”
Die vyfjarige Jannie stort saam met sy ma en kan nie help om die vreemde ding tussen haar bene op te merk nie. Sy ma kom dit agter en voel heel ongemaklik.
“Hoekom staar jy so Jannie?” vra sy.
“Ek wonder maar net wat dit is mamma.” sê Jannie en kyk anderpad.
Sy ma antwoord hom nie en dit is nie lank nie of sy vang hom dat hy weer kyk.
“Janneman!” sê sy ma kwaai “Wat kyk jy so?”
“Maar mammie wat is dit?” smeek Jannie
“Man dis ‘n … vlermuis!” sê sy ma vererg.
“Jislaaik!” sê Jannie “dan moes hy seker ver gevlieg het, kyk hoe hang sy tongetjie uit.”
Hoekom lyk koeie so beduiweld in die oggend?
Hoe sal jy voel as iemand jou vieruur in die oggend wakker maak, twee ure lank met jou tiete speel en jou nie spyker nie!
As we grow older, our bodies become like an old motorcar: Everytime we sneeze, cough or splutter. . . . Either the radiator leaks or the exhaust backfires
Koos se vrou roep benoud na hom: Koos, kom help! Hier is ´n by wat my wil steek.
Koos skree terug: Toemaar skat, sê net vir hom jy is moeg en het ´n hoofpyn.
Wat kry jy as jy Liewe Heksie se besem uitbrand?
Aspoestertjie.
Liewe Heksie en Blommie loop in die Spar en kom by ‘n bottel agurkies.
Liewe Heksie: “Hi ooeee Blommie, kyk, ingelegde Ninja Turtle toties!”
Wat het ‘n houtvloer en ‘n man in gemeen?
Indien jy hom een keer goed spyker kan jy vir 20 jaar oor hom loop.
Die juffrou vra aan haar leerders of hulle enige groot woorde ken.
Jannie se hand is eerste op. “Masturbasie!”
“Dis darem ´n mondvol Jannie.” sê die juffrou.
“Nee juffrou!” sê Jannie “Juffrou dink aan ´n blow job.”
Op dertig is ‘n vrou se muis soos ‘n perske – rond en ferm.
Op veertig soos ‘n avocado peer- pap en oorryp.
Op vyftig soos ‘n ui – jy wil huil as jy daarna kyk!
Waarom het orkane altyd vrouename?
Wanneer hulle kom is hulle nat en wanneer hulle gaan vat hulle alles saam.
‘n Oujongkêrel sterf soos ‘n pampoen.
Met al sy saad in hom.
Die juffrou vra die kinders om “padda” uit te spreek. Almal spreek dit mooi uit behalwe Andrew wat heeltyd “parra” sê. Die juffrou is later moedeloos en vra hom om “padda” te sê soos sy pa dit sou sê.
“Doos juffou!!!”
Die graad ag leerders moet ‘n sin maak met ‘paradeer’.
Jannie: “Juffrou, my sussie se G-String skuur haar paradeer.”
´n Penis kom in vyf groottes:
1. Klein
2. Medium
3. Groot
4. O Dôner!
5. Kry mens dit in wit?
Hoekom poep ´n vrou as sy klaar gepiepie het?
Wel, as ´n man sy tottie kan afskud kan ´n vrou seker haar noekie droogblaas!
“Lig op jou bloes sodat ek jou tieties kan sien”, sê die Wolf vir Rooikappie.
“Te hel met jou”, sê Rooikappie terwyl sy haar romp oplig, “eet my soos hulle in die boek sê!”
Wat het ´n salaris en menstruasie in gemeen?
Dit kom een keer per maand, hou omtrent ´n week en as dit nie kom nie is daar gewoonlik groot moeilikheid.
Hoe kanselleer mens ´n afspraak by die spermbank?
Jy bel net en sê jy kan nie meer kom nie!!!!!!!!!
Die laaitie kom kaal by die badkamer uitgeloop, alles aan sy lyf is stokstyf. Om die draai loop hy in sy ma vas – sy bekyk hom op en af en sê: “Boetie staan net hier ek gaan net gou jou pa en die jumper kabels haal.”
Twee seuntjies, 5 en 3 loop die apteek binne. Kom na paar minute met ´n box TAMPAX by apteker.
Apteker:Hoe oud is jy”?
Seuntjie 5; “Ek is vyf oom en my boetie is 3″
Apteker:”Hoekom kom koop julle ´n Box TAMPAX?”
Seuntjie 5; “Op die advertensie sê hulle jy kan met dit swem en fietsry, en my boetie kan nog nie een van die twee doen nie.”
Wat is die toppunt van wensdenkery?
‘n Muis wat op sy rug, met ‘n ereksie, die Vaalrivier afdryf en skree: “Lug daai brug! Lug daai bliksemse brug!”
Geskeide man aan sy tjom: “Vrouens is soos kreef, al die lekker in die onderlyf en al die kak in die kop…”
Hoekom kyk ‘n non nie na haar noenoe as sy stort nie? Die Bybel se dat mens nie moet neerkyk na die werkloses nie!
Two men were talking. ‘So, how’s your sex life?’
‘Oh, nothing special. I’m having Pension sex.’
‘Pension sex?’
‘Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!’
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
‘I’ve got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.’
‘My dear,’ the shrink said, ‘that’s completely natural.
I don’t see what the problem is.’
‘The problem is,’ she complained, ‘it wakes me up!’
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
During a recent lovemaking session,
‘How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?’
She glanced at him and replied, ‘You’re never home!’
If Men And Women Swapped Genitals!!
Top ten things MEN would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it’s truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes…BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too…
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina…
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
Top ten things WOMEN would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America
9. Learn to stare with that – I’m undressing you – look.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can’t hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it’s like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis…
1. Get a blow job.
LOL!!!
Die vinnigste kar op die oomblik in Suid Afrika is ñ taxi deur Ventersdorp.
Check hierdie fokken een.
1
lyk van n swartman is gisteraand opgehang in n boom gevind. sy hande was vasgebind. hy het 6 steekwonde aan sy bors gehad, was oor n ruwe oppervlak gesleep, is met n stomp voorwerp geslaan en 3 keer in sy kop geskiet. ventersdorp se polisie se dit is die ergste selfmoord wat hulle nog gesien het.
BWUHAHAHAHA!!!!!
In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!!!
Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry,that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
Simple Duties:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty (0)
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
In the snow (+8)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It’s her pet (-10)
Social Engagements:
Party:
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with college
drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-8)
Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted in all of the colors of your favorite sports team (-10)
A Night Out With the Boys:
Go with a pal (-5)
The pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Sports car (-10)
A Night Out:
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It’s called DeathCop 9 (-3)
Which features cyborgs that eat humans (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it
(+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-800)
The Big Question:
She asks, “Do I look fat?”
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
Any other response (-20)
NOTE: Here there is no correct answers
Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking the TV (+100)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-20)
A young woman bought a mirror at an antique shop, and hung it on her
bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully
said “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four.”
Instantly, there was a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grew
to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she ran to tell her husband what
happened, and in minutes they both returned.
The husband crossed his fingers and said, “Mirror mirror, on the door,
make my penis touch the floor!”
Again there was a bright flash, and his legs fell off.
A little girl asked her mom, “What is a penis?
“Her mom said, “It’s that thing between Daddy’s legs.”
The girl asked, “Well, what is a prick??”
Her mom answered, “That’s the rest of Daddy
Wife gets naked & asks hubby, ‘What turns you on more, my pretty face or
my sexy body?’
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, ‘Your sense of humour!
Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt,
tsunamis to arise,
hurricanes to sway around,
no one is taught how to choose a wife,
natural disasters just happen.
Women’s One Liners
I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
A hard-on does not count as personal growth.
This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
Do I look like a fricking people person?
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cat.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
See no evil, hear no evil, and date no evil.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
What ever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I am doing my best to imagine you with a personality.
Okay, okay I take it back. Un-Fuck you!
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
And which dwarf are you?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
It’s not the size that counts, it’s the, umm, actually it is the size.
Poopie List
Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwipped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won’t ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie- This happens when you’re done poopieing and you’ve pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, your afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It’s so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.
Corn Poopie- Self explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- That’s where it hurts so badly coming out, you’d swear it was leaving sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get spalshed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
Mexican Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind of poopie that doesen’t smell.
The Suprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie!
The Dangling Poopie- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
You are an Internet Addict when…
1.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
2.) You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue as to when it happened.
3.) Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
4.) Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
5.) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
6.) You start introducing yourself as “Jim at net dot com”
7.) Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
8.) You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
9.) Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
10.) All of your friends have an @ in their names.
11.) When looking at a web page full of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
12.) Your dog has its own home page.
13.) You can’t call your mother… She doesn’t have a modem.
14.) You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.
15.) Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
16.) You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
17.) You don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
18.) Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.
19.) You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
20.) You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” — even though you don’t have a job.
21.) You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
22.) Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”
23.) You get a tattoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher.”
24.) You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP… because you never log off.
25.) The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
26.) You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
The Kiddie Pick
When you’re by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there’s no time limit!
Camouflaged Kiddie Pick
When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
Fake Nose Scratch
When you make believe you’ve got an itch but you’re really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
Making A Meal Out Of It
You do it so furiously, and for so long, you’re probably entitled to dessert.
Surprise Pickings
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
Autopick
The kind you do in a car, when no one’s looking.
Pick Your Brains
Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.
Pick And Save
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don’t catch on to what you did.
Pick And Roll
No explanation needed.
Pick And Flick
Ditto.
Pick And Stick
You wanted it to be a “Pick and Flick,” but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
Paydirt
The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.
Kid Science Quotes
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain’s contention that the ‘most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then
stop.
Question: What is one horsepower?
Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it you got hit, so never mind.
Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating. [this guy is going to do well in college! *haha* …Lj]
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
Lime is a green-tasting rock.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t why you should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they’re there.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it’s brother against brother.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.
Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around.
There is not much else to do.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won’t drown when we breathe.
Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
The wind is like the air, only pushier.
‘n Vriend sê nou vir my, die hele vulkaan storie in Ysland is ‘n groot klug…
Dis stof is glo as gevolg van die Stormers wat hul trofee kabinet skoon maak!!!
How come when you mix water
and flour together you get glue?..
and then you add eggs
and sugar…
and you get cake?
Where did the glue go ?
NEED AN ANSWER?
You know jolly well where it went susta!
That’s what makes the cake
Stick to your *ss
“What’s the usual tip?” a man growled when Little Johnny delivered his pizza.
“Well,” Little Johnny replied, “this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I’d be doing great.” “That so?” grunted the man. “In that case, here’s five dollars.” “Thanks,” Little Johnny said, “I’ll put it in my college fund.”
“By the way, what are you studying?” asked the man.
“Applied psychology,” replied Little Johnny.
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, “Mommy, can little girls have babies?” “No,” said his mom, “of course not.” Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, “It’s okay, we can play that game again!”
One day Little Johnny’s mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny’s father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, “THIS is what I found in “your” son’s closet.”
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him, “Well what should we do about this?”
Little Johnny’s dad looked at her and said, “Well I don’t think we should spank him.”
An older gentleman is sitting in a bar when a beautiful young woman walks up to him and whispers in his ear, “I’ll do anything you want for 50 bucks.”
He immediately puts his drink down and begins frantically going through his pockets. He pulls out a crumbled up ten, two five’s, a twenty and ten ones.
He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman’s hand and says, “Here…paint my house.”
A guy went to the Department of Home Affairs to apply for a job.
The interviewer asked him, ‘Are you allergic to anything?
He replied, ‘yes – caffeine’.
Have you ever been in the military service?
‘Yes,’ he replied.’ I was in Iraq for two years.’
The interviewer said, ‘That will give you 5 extra points towards employment.
Then he asked, are you disabled in any way?’
The guy said, ‘Yes… A roadside bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my
Testicles.’
The interviewer said O.K. – You’ve got enough points for me to hire you
Right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at
10:00 A.M. And plan on starting @ 10:00 A.M. Every day.
The guy puzzled asks, ‘if the work hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me
Here at 10?
‘This is a government job,’ the interviewer said. ‘For the first two hours,
We just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in
You coming in for that!’
COUNCIL COMPLAINTS LETTERS (The following are genuine clips)
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He has this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.
3. It’s the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was a bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she’s pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory has broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting to much for me.
18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had a clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get TV.
An Englishman’s wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
“Good %#@@, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded. “Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any,”she replied. The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here are 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”
Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. “Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?” She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me.” He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here are 10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”
Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. “Sweet Mudder, Maggie! Where the fook are yer drawers?” She too explains, “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.” The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says “Well, fer the sake of decency, here’s a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.”
In a bar 1 Guy says 2 another
‘I slept with ur mom last nite’
D whole bar was waiting 4 d other Guy’s response�..
He laughs & says,
‘Lets go home dad, U r drunk’
Cutest Proposal
A Boy Rings D Door-Bell Of A Girls Home.
&
Asks ,
Do U Belive In Love At First Sight
Or
Should I Come Back Again..
human faal in love,
that is normal.
cowes eat grass,
that is ok.
but when z monkey
press a mobile keybored
amazing!!!
r u still pressing?
When somebody who is deeply
in Love with you tells that
You are
cute, beautiful, & angelic
I agree. That’s true
Believe me
I swear because love is definitely blind.
Can we do romance in the evening today?
I’m in a good mood
Just a little bit of kissing and biting
reply me soon!
urs lovingly
“MOSQUITO”
God thought that since he couldn’t b everywhere he made a mother. Then devil thought that he couldn’t b everywhere he made a mother-in-law.
Roses are red, Violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo
Don’t feel so angry
You will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you
Our education system has a drawback;it does not teach us teamwork,
And When we make efforts for working as a team by solving our tests collaboratively,
they call it cheating.
We will now upgrade ur brain, please wait….
Searching….searching…
still searching….
sorry,NO BRAIN found
GUIDE TO TRANSLATING “PERSONAL” ADVERTISEMENTS
Independent Thinker . . . . . . . Crazy.
High-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.
Free-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy and irresponsible.
Ample . . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.
Huggable . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.
Zaftig . . . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY Large.
Fat and Sassy . . . . . . . . . Large and loudmouthed.
Slender . . . . . . . . . . . . Skinny.
Svelte . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anorexic.
Petite (I am). . . . . . . . . . Short.
Petite (you are) . . . . . . . . Size 2.
Dynamic . . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy.
Assertive . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy with a mean streak.
Excited About Life’s Journey . . No concept of reality.
Moody . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive.
Unpredictable . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and off medication.
Soulful . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and quiet.
Poetic . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and boring.
Looking for Mr/Ms Right. . . . . Looking for Mr/Ms Rich.
Very Human . . . . . . . . . . . Quasimodo.
Uninhibited . . . . . . . . . . Lacking basic social skills.
Irreverent . . . . . . . . . . . Mean and lacking basic social skills.
Aging Child . . . . . . . . . . Self-centered adult.
Freedom-loving . . . . . . . . . Undependable.
Young at Heart . . . . . . . . . Over 40.
Youthful . . . . . . . . . . . . Over 50 and in major denial.
Chatty . . . . . . . . . . . . . Never shuts up.
Humorous . . . . . . . . . . . . Watches too much TV and never shuts up.
Financially secure (I am). . . . Has a job.
Financially secure (you are) . . Rich.
Affectionate . . . . . . . . . . Horny.
Romantic . . . . . . . . . . . . Horny.
Passionate . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY horny.
This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife…
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven’t noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson’s Column and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his ‘problem’. It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6
Isn’t life wonderful but it’s difficult to write while he’s doing that.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it’s very nice – I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I’m also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over….
Day 11
I’m basically being screwed to death. It’s like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He’s a complete pig.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I’ve stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has
become dangerous…
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that “Oops, sorry” thing again, I’ll kill the bastard.
Day 14
I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
Day 15
I think I’ll have to kill him. I’m starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won’t go near him and our friends don’t come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.
Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn’t seem to have made any difference…Christ! Here he comes again!
Day 18
He’s back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!
Farting People
The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.
The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other people’s farts.
The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.
The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.
The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.
The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.
The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.
The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.
The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.
The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.
The Foolish Person
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
The Thrifty Person
One who always has several farts in reserve.
The Anti-Social Person
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
The Strategic Person
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.
The Sadistic Person
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.
The Intelligent Person
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor’s fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.
Surefire Ways To Know You’re A Woman…
You are a Bitch.
When asked ‘Is something bothering you?’ reply ‘no’ then get pissed off when you are believed.
Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behavior..
Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, i.e. You say ‘It’s no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend.’ when you mean ‘It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or not it is possible!’
Whine
If you are trying to sleep, it’s because you’re exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it’s because he is lazy.
No matter what the activity, he doesn’t do it as well as a past boyfriend.
If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
Complain
Hate any bar he likes
Demand to be treated as an equal in everything – except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. – these are required gifts proving his love.
Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you’re irregular from all the stress of your life.
Remember that ANY woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible.
Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.
Break into tears for no apparent reason.
Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.
Insinuate yourself into your boyfriend’s group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.
Twee moffies dans. Die een Vra: ‘Hoekom kry jy ereksie elke keer as ons dans?’
Ander een antwoord: ‘Want jy dans soos ‘n poephol.’
_________________________
Ouma spuit parfuum agter haar ore, aan pols, hals en tussen haar borste.
Kleinkind vra: Ouma, wat van die gat in die osoonlaag?
Ouma: Hom kom ek sommer met die fokken waslap by!
_________________________
Dosent sê vir klas: “Seks is ‘n manier van kommunikasie.”
Ou staan op en vra: “Beteken dit as ek draadtrek praat ek met myself?”
_________________________
Dronk katoliek sit in confession booth. Na lang stilte klop die priester om man se aandag te trek.
“Jy klop verniet,” Skree dronkie terug. “hier is ook fokol kakpapier!”
__________________________
Seuntjie van drie vra sy ouma: “Ouma, is jy van karton gemaak?”
Ouma lag lekker en sê: “Haai nee my skat, hoekom vra jy dan nou vir Ouma so?”
Seuntjie antwoord: “Want Pappa sê altyd Ouma is ‘n regte ou doos.”
__________________
85 Jarige krimpie sit en praat met sy tottie.
“Ons twee is saam gebore, saam gegroei, lekker tye saam gehad, maar hoe de fok is jy voor my dood?”
“A woman needs four animals in her life. A mink in the closet. A jaguar in the garage. A tiger in bed. And an ass to pay for it all.”
Meraai sê vir Gatiep: “djy moenie dink djy sal by die Hemel se hek ingaan as djou asem so na drank ruik nie.”
Gatiep: “dja Meraai, daas ‘n technical point van Hemel toe gaan wat djy nie van wiet nie. My asem gaan nie saam nie…”
‘n ou boesman kry ‘n spieel ini veld. Hy weti wat dit isi. Hy skrik tu hy darin kyk, want dit lyk nes sy oorle pa. Elke keer as hy na sy pa verlang, kyk hy ini spieel en huil. Sy vrou wonder wat aangaan en gryp die spieel en kyk darin. Die lelikste vrou kyk terug na ha. Jo gemors skree sy vi hom. Isit oor die lelike meid dat jy so bitterlik huil?
Mediese professor gee ‘n toespraak by damesklub oor spontane spierbewegings. Hy vra so oulike blonde dingetjie in voorste ry: Weet jy wat doen jou poephol as jy ‘n orgasme het? Ja, antw sy. Hy vang vis met sy pelle.
Jan, n gelowige man gaan jag. Ini bos bestorm n leeu hom. Hy bid: Here,christelike leeu wees en laat hy my genadig wees. Die leeu stop by Jan, sit sy poot op Jan se kop en sê: seën Here die voedsel war vir my voorgesit is en maak my dankbaar daarvoor. Amen.
South Africa took 3 gold medals this morning ……. security cought them at the gate
Huweliksprobleme, verkeers boetes, kontantvloei probleme, emosionele trauma? Kontak my by ekworifokolni@sortjoueiekakuit.co.za
Juffrou sê hotnotjie moet verskil tussen gewig en massa verduidelik. Hy: Dis wanne my pa vi my ma sê: Vetgat, djy moet gewig veloor. En sy sê: djou massa moer!!
Juffrou sê seun moet verskil tussen gewig en massa verduidelik. Hy: Dis wanne my pa vi my ma sê: Vetgat, djy moet gewig veloor. En sy sê: djou massa moer!!
Plaaswerker aan boer (op radio): Baas ek het die vark getrap meti bakkie, hys sjap ma hy sit vas by die bulbar. Baas: Jonas vat di 303 agteri seat, skiet hom en gooi hom agter op die bakkie. 20 min late Jonas: Eisj baas k heti vark geskiet ma no ek sukkel om die blou lig van sy motorbike uiti grill te kry.
Hey jy! Ja, jy! Ek ken jou! Jy’s die een wat my altyd sms nadat jy sex gehad het! Darem la-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ankla-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-as van jou gehoor!
Ouma stuur vir oupa dorp toe, ma sy vergeet brood. Sy sê vi kleinseun om, oupa op sy sel te bel. Hy sê; Ouma, elke keer antw ‘n vrou. Ek het 8 keer gebel. Ouma is be4k en kanni wag oupa moet huis toe kommi. Oupa kom bydi deur in en ouma gee hom ‘n moerse klap. Oupa vra: Wat nou? Ouma roep kleinseun. Vertel vir oupa vani vrou wat sy sel geantw het. “Ja, ouma, sy het gesê u hav insufficient funds 2 mak that call.
Man en vrou ry in kar. Al 2 dae kwaad vir mekaar. Sien bobbejane langsi pad. Man vra; Familie van jou? Vrou: Ja, skoonfamilie.
New words for 2011
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.
* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person…
* SWAMP DONKEY.
A deeply unattractive person..
* AIRPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a ‘black box’.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* OH-NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You’ve hit ‘reply all’).
* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside but there’s actually naught in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: ‘Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!’.
* MYSTERY BUS….
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you’re in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she’s got 4 buttocks.
Colin came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Colin, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”
The mysterious Man answered, “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter”.
Colin was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family….you’ve got to send me back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.”
Colin was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad” replies Colin, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”. “Never” replies Colin
“Well just relax and let it happen”
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced
motherhood for the firsttime.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him…ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting …..
“Colin, skrik wakker jou dronk vark, jy K@K in die bed!!!”
Soek goeie grappe
Fokken goeie grappe!
Oujong nooi se in haar testament dat dit op haar grafsteen moet staan…..Born a virgin…..live as a virgin…..died as a virgin….AVBOB. Se dis te lank!!! — skryf net — Returned unopend!!!
As jy kaal voor spieel staan en jy sien rolle, spatare, alles wat pap is & hang,wees bly! Jou oe is nog fokken goed!
Sipho tel n lampie in die veld op en WOEPS ! Daar kom n genie uit . Hy se: jyt 1 wens Sipho . Sipho dink bietjie en se : Ek wens ek was wit , stewig gebou , gewild onder die girls en werk net 1 week n maand ! Tjoef ‘ daar verander hy in n tampon !!
I spent R39000 on a boob job for the wife. She was absolutely
delighted!
I spent another R27000 on a nose job for her. She was
ecstatic!
I spent R22000 on liposuction for her and she was over
the moon!
I spent R300 on a blow job for myself and she goes
f#cking mental!Women!!!!!