Lunch Week 23

6 12 2010

Algemene Kennis

  1. Wie is die “skepper” van Evita Bezuidenhoudt?
  2. Op watter dag word die gebeure van Bloedrivier herdenk?
  3. Wie het die eerste petrol aangedrewe motorfietse in 1885 gemaak?
  4. In watter staat in die VSA sal jy die Grand Canyon kry?
  5. Hoeveel silwer is in die “Silwer Myn” naby Kaapstad gekry?



8 responses

6 12 2010

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
“I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”
“Do you think it will work?” she asks.
“It’s worth a try.” he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.”.
“What?” asks the priest, “what happened?”.
“You gave birth to a child!”.
“But that’s impossible!” says the priest.
“I just did the operation,” insists the doctor, “it’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.”
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
“Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.” The son says,
“What do you mean, you’re not my father?” The priest replies,
“I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.”.

6 12 2010

A student comes to a young professor’s office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

“I would do anything to pass this exam.”

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

“I mean..” she whispers, “..I would do ANYTHING!!”

He returns her gaze. “Anything??”

“Yes,.. Anything!” She says.

His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you.. study??”

6 12 2010

A stark naked, drunken woman,
jumped into a vacant Taxi at a Cab Rank.

The Indian driver was immediately beside himself
and just kept on staring at the woman.
He makes no attempt to start the Cab.

“What’s wrong with you Luv,
haven’t you ever seen a naked white woman before?”

“I’ll not be staring at you lady,
I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am comming from”.

“Well if your not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?”

“Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself,
where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with.”

6 12 2010

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man’s head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

“Hello?” she cried, but no answer.

“Is there anyone here?” she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:


Then she heard a voice from far, far away:

“Hello! We’re down here…”

6 12 2010

Definitions By Gender 🙂

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car’s hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
Male: What you slap when someone’s scored a goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

6 12 2010

Meanings SA style 🙂
Officials of the New South African government have come to realise that
the current status of having 11 official languages in the New South
Africa is impractical. A new language was thus introduced. This is
the English as it is now spoken on television and radio. The recently
published New Suth Effrican Deekshunry defines these new weds. Here are some extracts and examples of their usage in the official New Suth Effrican

Bad – you sleep on it in the badroom

Beds – mossies, doves, etc

Beg – container, as in shopping beg, hand-beg, tog-beg

Ben – to set alight

Chealdren – our future is in their hands

Chetz – where worshippers go on Sundays

Cuds – you can play poker or rummy with them

Cut – a small donkey-drawn vehicle

Debben – city in KZN

Deekshunry – where you find weds

Detty – opposite of clean

Die’llas – as in drug die’llas or wee-pon die’llas

Driva – holds the steering wheel of a teksi

Duck – very duck at night when the lights are all off

Ebben – you get ebben erriors and rural erriors

Effrican – from the continent of Africa

Erriors – districts, e.g. ebbon erriors

Ewways – eg. SAA, Comair

Fems – companies, e.g., Anglo-American

Fest – the one before second and third

Fok – used with nifes

Fum – you can fum with ship or kettle

Fumma – he owns the fum

Guddin – where you grow kebbijees

Geave – you MUST geave, I WILL take

Get – a hinged device in a fence

Hair – as opposed to heem

Heppi – state of elatement, e.g. I’m so heppi – I just voted

Hiss – masculine form of hairs

Hubba – where sheeps dock

Itch – as in itch and avairy pesson

Jems – little bugs that give you the flu

Kah – what you drive around in

Kennel – ummy officer

Kebbijees – vegetable

Keptown – some think parliament doesn’t belong there

Kettegry – in a system of classification

Kipper – one who kips, as in goal kipper

Kleenix – where nesses weck

Kot – where the judges sit

Len – to acquire knowledge

Leeda – as in Arwa Leeda, the president

Lungwich – weds what are spokkin

Mick – those that will inherit the eth

Miening – what is the miening of this attack?

Nesses – they weck in kleenix and hospitals

Pee pull – powa to da pee pull

Peppa – one way to get the news

Pesson – one of pee pull

Phlegm – the benning top of a kendal

Pees – symbolised by white dove

Pees-Tox – between IRA and John Major

Reeva – e.g. Limpopo, Vaal, Orange

Regime – anything to describe pre-1994

Ree kwest – replaced by dee mands

Rent – N/A – word obsolete

Scotched Eth – guerilla tactic

Sheep – big boat

Shex – houses in squatter camps

Ship – provider of wool

Shit of Peppa – something to write on

Shuck-attak – if the shuck-net is brokkin

Shuck-nets – at Debben, for safety of sweamas

Spitch – what politicians make at a relly

Suth – opposite of North

Sweamas – compete in a sweaming pul

Teps – solvent to thin enamel paint

Teck – see geave

Teksi – kah for hire – sometimes parrot teksi

Tenning point – the “top” of a parabola

Thest – ice cold Coke will relieve it on a hot day

Tipic ally – characteristic

Tocks – negotiations

Ufrican – pertaining to Ufrica

Ummy – military force

Wee men – ladies

We pon – a gun

Wean-dow – with glus for throwing bricks through

Weaned – Gone with the Weaned

Weaner – the one with the most votes

Weckliss – the unemployed pee-pull

Weds – what the dictionary is made up of

Wekkas – do the weck

Weld – the eth

Wems – small crawly creatures

Weth – she is weth her weight in gold.

6 12 2010

The Rabbi and the Tax man 🙂

The Tax Office sends their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is
doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi, and says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.
“A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he’d go on,
in his obnoxious way.

“Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up all the
crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box
back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a whole box of matzo balls.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

“Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”

“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick like you.”

7 12 2010

1. Pieter Dirk Uys
2. 16 Desember
3. Gottlieb Daimler… maar party mense praat van ‘n ene Otto ook…
4. Arizona
5. Ek seg niks… want ek weet daar word baie meer geklim en klouter, as gemyn in daardie reservaat. Ek weetie eers of daar ‘n myn is nie?

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